Ahhhh Backstroke of the West, probably one of the greatest accidents that ever happened in film. This infamous bootleg of the obscure Chinese Star Wars DVD of Revenge of the Sith is a great addition to any Star Wars Marathon. Why you may ask? Because this specific pirated copy of Episode III translated the film into Mandarin Chinese, and then translated that back into English for the subtitles, resulting in one of the most entertaining and backward comedy ever created.
Who can forget such griping and powerful dialog like:
That’s what usually happens when you bottom for anal:
The first F-bomb in Star Wars:
That sounds like something from a gay porno:
Well villains are meant to dislike the heroes:
Was? WAS!?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BABY?!??!
How does “What about the Droid Attack on the Wookiees” become this?
No the Jedi wouldn’t tell us:
Section Ratio General?!?!? That’s actually how Grievous responds to him:
Could you imagine watching this high? Would it make more sense or not?
Another alteration of a classic line:
You killed Samuel L Jackson, Anakin. That’s what you did:
WAHT!?!?! C-3PO is Anakin’s Father?!?!? Now that’s a plot twist:
Good god Obi Wan, dropping another F-bomb:
That’s another line that sounds straight out of a gay porno, seems to be a theme here:
You what, this line is actually quite good, very poetic:
That’s called a hill:
And of course, the “NOOO!!!” that went around the world:
Yeah, you get the idea. But even though 99.9 percent of the dialog is wrong, it’s actually quite good, in fact I can recommend watching. And you can, on YouTube. That’s right the whole thing is up on YouTube, thanks to the Grateful Deadpool. So if you have time to kill, invite some friends over and give it a watch.
Now that I’ve finished talking about “Backstroke of the West” it’s time to talk about The Last Jedi version entitled “Star War The Eighth Gathers: The Final Hopeless Situation.” Though it does have other titles such as: “The Latest Jedi,” or “The Vast Majority of these Last Samurai” but “The Final Hopeless Situation” has proven to be the more popular title. And like “Backstroke of the West” the dialog is messed up, but wonderful at the same time.
But unlike “Backstroke of the West”, the subtitles for this version of The Last Jedi weren’t created by hilariously inept bootleggers. Reddit not Piracy is what created this version, as Reddit user Achaewa found a way to replicate the bizarre, roundabout way that Revenge of the Sith got so mangled a decade ago by Chinese bootleggers. Achaewa explains:
“I use Nikse Subtitle Editor which has built in google translate, though it does require you running the subtitles through a combination of languages to get the funniest results.”
Whatever he did to create this second coming in order of gibberish was worth it. And you can check out the finished product here though they are stills, it’s unfortunately not a video. But it’s a hilarious read non the less. Striking all the right tone. It’s nonsensical, and yet, you still know exactly where every character stands weirdly. And since you’ve seen the original version, when reading it just sounds ridiculous hearing it in your head with their voices:
Having put an end to intolerance, the First Order aims to spread celibacy across the Milky Way.
Boat racing in space?
(It returns) Poe asks BB-8 what he has done with his stash of strong Finnish pornography.
So Luke was married after all and Rey is a ornithologist.
Snooker schools Kylo on the benefits of cereal.
Love how Jedi = Hopeless.
Forget fleeing for your life, cue sports is what truly matters.
Is that better than Ratio Tile?
Kylo calls Rey, asking her why the Force is contacting them, she doesn’t want to talk.
The Judgement day of world come quickly, General.
Gold? As in Allah Gold?
Kylo really doesn’t like the atmosphere.
Luke finally admits that he’s a bad teacher. But is that sarcasm or sincerity from Kylo?
Remember, no bootleg is complete without a Do Not Want!
But that is as much as I’m going to show you. For the rest, check out the link above. I could literally just keep adding, but no. Check out Achaewa’s work on the fan created bootleg. As Kylo says, it’s weird, but it’s great. But seriously though, this needs to be done on video, in fact all the Star Wars films should have a “Gathers” version. An alternative Star Wars marathon.
It is like poetry, they rhyme.